Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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