so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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