tonight lets celebrate not being married
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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