Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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