i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
