Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
