So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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