I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
