I didn't shave. On purpose
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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