My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
