If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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