Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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