I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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