I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
