at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize