he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
