why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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