it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
