I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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