It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
