I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
