I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
