Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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