I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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