there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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