I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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