3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
