You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
