well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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