Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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