I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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