I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
