I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
