I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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