i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
