I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize