At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
