we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
