Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize