So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
