I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
