Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
