College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
