Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
