If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Randomize
