Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
