I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
