Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize