I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
