my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
