So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
