My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
