btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
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