apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
