why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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