also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
