now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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