Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
