Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
